Well Being

The sense of well being has totally escaped from my reality,even after 2 months totally clean.The natural reward feelings have not returned as well,leaving me literally nothing but a zombie .The only emotions I do possess are anger,despair and hopelessness.My mind is constantly trying to manipulate any obstacle I encounter as a reason to use,it is so profound.I have come to understand that the mind is not one acting controller but many different subsystems all working on their own and totally ignorant of any other physical system. Wow,I might think about my thoughts too much but so far trying to reason with myself has been the only way I have accomplished anything or remained calm.
I have read and been told that the brain may take up to a year to heal and work properly again.If I can maintain for a year I can say that no amount of mental trauma is insurmountable.

Despair

The definition of insanity is doin the same thing over and over and expecting different results.Or so I have been told.So I am apparently about as insane as possible without being institutionalized.I keep running back and gettin in line for the same roller coaster ride time after time.The pain that I keep putting myself and my family through has started weighing heavy on my soul.
Where I was a secret functioning addict for a decade within 6 months of trying to hang it up I've almost totally fallen apart.This further compounds the pain and guilt and deepens the feeling of hopelessness.I as a person have always went to great length to do the right things and to never lie but have caught myself lying as of late.Lies in the form of attempting to beat drug screens for employment and stating that I do not use any controlled substances,which at present is true.How long will this be true? I have resigned to admitting that I honestly do not know.This troubles me terribly,knowing that so far I have not had the power to totally control my actions and in essence my destiny.
I know the reasons for the whole scope of symptoms and why my brain is behaving in such a way,but it is still very difficult to talk myself through the spikes in mood and lack of joy or ambition.Although I am mentally,physically and spiritually exhausted for now I will attempt to drag myself onward in hopes of a light at the end of this desperate tunnel of despair.

It has been a while since my last post and many things have happened in that time.I have relapsed once and had to deal with the pain and deep state of depression associated with withdrawl yet again.It seems as if meth has taken a foot hold in every area of society because no matter where you go there it is.No matter how well you dress or how you keep your appearance up for some reason a user can spot another user.It seems that once you stop and step into the world where you would have normally had to buy the drug people are trying to force it on you for free.Until you begin to use again and then the process starts all over.I have began to think that I will have to go to outer space to escape this affliction

Another week has passed ,I'm in a rut bad,and my mind just constantly flashes from one thing to another. I'm either slammed and asleep or bouncing from one thing to another. My writing is a labor,it's so hard to focus and finish one thought before I start another. I've had a lot of episodes where my guts are twisted in knots and bad cravings,at times I have tasted it or smelled it. Damn,if I can just hang on for a couple months,just until I have some damn energy,I think I could keep busy but as I am now I'm just too tired to do anything. I'm truly suffering for my sins.

Okay,so this is not going to be as easy as I thought.It's a struggle to keep my head daily,my emotional state is like a land mine.One wrong move and I'm liable to explode.For anyone who may be reading this that has not tried meth,what ever you do ,do not ! In all my wildest thoughts and dreams I never could have imagined the absolute insanity this drug brings with it.I have come to the sad realization that I will never be the same. At least no time soon,I can't see past 5 minutes from now at this point.Emotionally I'm a complete wreck. My mind is a twisting turning snake pushing and pulling me in all directions at once.I feel as if I have an eel in my chest writhing trying to escape.My lip and jaw and tongue are cut and scarred from biting as fits of anger over any obstacle that rises in my path. God I wish I had never seen that cursed shit.To add insult to injury I have researched and found evidence that the good ol USA brought this curse on it's own people by promoting the use of the drug in the military after ww2.Apparently in mimmic of the Nazi military and the Blitzkrieg."How do you fight an army that never sleeps or eats or rests?"-French soldier during ww2. Idiotic cold war paranoid leaders that to this day should be held accountable for their crimes against humanity.

"Emotional" Doesn't Even Come Close

In the last week or so I've begun to go to extremes emotionally,rising to laughter at something just novel,and then burstin' into tears over sentimental reflections or anything slightly sad.Happy and rather optimistic one moment then overwhelmed with a sense of hopeless dispair the next.I don't know how long this"Roller Coaster of Feelings"will last but it is having detrimental effects on everyday life.
Some of my friends and acquaintances have advised toward anti-depressants,but I don't want to jump on that train -to-nowhere.I've seen many friends and family get herded into that zombie state.I want to come back to the world of normalcy not join the circus.

RMSFFV2CYJZS

Ready or not here I go again,back out into the world. I was hoping to stay hidden away in my cave at home for another 6 to 8 months, but due to financial obligations and being offered a job that is just too good to turn down ,I'm going to get back into society.
I know that even though I feel really strong right now It's only skin deep, but I am just going to have to try to use good senses and take every precaution to avoid old buddies and places and all that goes with that.If this were not an excellent job I wouldn't even attempt leaving my security blanket home and wife. I will be strong ,I have to be strong there's just no alternative at this point.For the first time in a decade I have been honestly and humbly seeking freedom from the ball and chain that is addiction.My new employer is in another part of the state totally in the opposite direction of anyone I'm "acquainted"with.My new responsibilities will be demanding also which will consume my attention and any of that dangerous free-time. We will soon see.

It's been a month since I posted last,due to the lack of motivation and drive I have been struggling with. I have a clear view and somewhat more realistic out  look on things now and realize how much my psychological and physical health were being drained. I am beginning to feel strong again and more confident but my level of patience is somewhat less. Yet there is a long road that lays ahead ,but I do have hope and for the first time in many years can visualize myself clean. I cannot tell you it has not been without a great deal of physical and emotional pain and struggle that I have had to reason my way through. It is not something I think I could have done without the support of my family. I will forever be humbled and grateful for their support throughout this decade of insanity. I have found that support groups ,for now, are not for me.As the moment conversation begins about the use of meth I have a flood of thoughts to rationalize and justify a relapse. So for now I will remain separated from the outside as best I can.
To anyone reading these words and suffering with this affliction I would say,"YOU CAN COME THIS FAR BECAUSE I HAVE,NOW THAT I AM HERE I SEE THAT IT IS BETTER TO BE FREE THAN IN THE CHAINS OF THE GREAT PUPPET MASTER."

clear head lean body

ive fought through the fog and haze and dont be confused it was hell. i can focus and see things clearly now for the first time in quite a few years. i try not to look back but when i do all i see is confusion and pain. why would i struggle so long and actually fight to stay in that fog ? i lost a lot of time  that i can never reclaim. but  i can only live in the future and for today, and i am glad cause i dont ever want to feel as lost as i did just a couple months ago.