Ready or not here I go again,back out into the world. I was hoping to stay hidden away in my cave at home for another 6 to 8 months, but due to financial obligations and being offered a job that is just too good to turn down ,I'm going to get back into society.
I know that even though I feel really strong right now It's only skin deep, but I am just going to have to try to use good senses and take every precaution to avoid old buddies and places and all that goes with that.If this were not an excellent job I wouldn't even attempt leaving my security blanket home and wife. I will be strong ,I have to be strong there's just no alternative at this point.For the first time in a decade I have been honestly and humbly seeking freedom from the ball and chain that is addiction.My new employer is in another part of the state totally in the opposite direction of anyone I'm "acquainted"with.My new responsibilities will be demanding also which will consume my attention and any of that dangerous free-time. We will soon see.

It's been a month since I posted last,due to the lack of motivation and drive I have been struggling with. I have a clear view and somewhat more realistic out  look on things now and realize how much my psychological and physical health were being drained. I am beginning to feel strong again and more confident but my level of patience is somewhat less. Yet there is a long road that lays ahead ,but I do have hope and for the first time in many years can visualize myself clean. I cannot tell you it has not been without a great deal of physical and emotional pain and struggle that I have had to reason my way through. It is not something I think I could have done without the support of my family. I will forever be humbled and grateful for their support throughout this decade of insanity. I have found that support groups ,for now, are not for me.As the moment conversation begins about the use of meth I have a flood of thoughts to rationalize and justify a relapse. So for now I will remain separated from the outside as best I can.
To anyone reading these words and suffering with this affliction I would say,"YOU CAN COME THIS FAR BECAUSE I HAVE,NOW THAT I AM HERE I SEE THAT IT IS BETTER TO BE FREE THAN IN THE CHAINS OF THE GREAT PUPPET MASTER."

clear head lean body

ive fought through the fog and haze and dont be confused it was hell. i can focus and see things clearly now for the first time in quite a few years. i try not to look back but when i do all i see is confusion and pain. why would i struggle so long and actually fight to stay in that fog ? i lost a lot of time  that i can never reclaim. but  i can only live in the future and for today, and i am glad cause i dont ever want to feel as lost as i did just a couple months ago.

merry christmas to one and all

merry christmas, peace on earth, and good will to men. my best wishes to anyone struggling to keep their head up through these "joyous" days. i have nothing to offer except "i know where you are". i am there too.

Not so happy holidays

Ever have that feeling that you've forgotten something or something has gone wrong? Apparently our brains normally produce natural chemicals that make us feel good. when we do something worth-while or good the chemical production increases and we get a boost of "good feelings". After prolonged use of drugs the brain has stopped producing the chemicals and when the drug is not there you are slammed into a state of hopelessness. Depressed,anxious,extremely emotional,and sometimes violent or angry personality traits are amplified. This is one of the hardest factors to deal with if you are a spouse and/or parent. We have huge affects on our family members. I've wandered in and out of recovery several times when i have caught myself being"short tempered with my loved ones". The lack of joy or ability to feel joy is an ugly state for small children to view. Add the guilt of realization and the hole gets deeper. This viscous cycle can and will envelope your existence. As I struggle down this road the cold hard truth becomes more and more evident; I will never be the same.

relapse

" It's going to happen." That's what im being told. Now the pain and loss of productivity for 10 - 12 days will have to be endured again. The definition of insanity is "doing the same things and expecting different results". I guess this means im totally insane. Being a husband and father compounds all of the normal issues related to this condition. If i could drop everything and move to a deserted island for a year this would be alot easier,but this is not an option for an addict who is married and/or has children. I must endeavor to persevere although hope is in very short supply.

my head is like a pillow stuffed with cotton

It's still very hard to focus on any single thing. It's like i'm standing in a thick fog. I can only think as far as I see and right now that's about 5 feet in front of me. At least I'm not asleep. I'll post more when my head clears.